Have you ever had that moment where you wish you could sleep just to wake up and find everything was a dream?
I have. It's the worst feeling in the world. When you lose the one thing in the universe that actually motivates you. When you have that one thing that completed you, nothing else mattered. Work was no longer work, and time away from that one thing just killed you.
To be honest I probably shouldn't even be writing this, but really this and my book is all I have left to get this off my chest. I just don't feel motivated to write the book right now.
Brethren, I feel like an empty shell. I woke up this afternoon still with tears in my eyes... Didn't eat my lunch and I am still not hungry. I mean I am starving but I don't think I could actually make myself eat.
It's kind of pathetic but it's my fault. The Rough Ashlar that I wrote about is exactly where I am. But rougher. I thought I was making break throughs becoming a better man but for some reason there always sneaks in this little wisp of the past to drop me and let the parts that have become good break again.
Right now gentleman, the stars are not shining. The sirens are laughing at me in their melodic tone. They know I am lost out at sea and there is nothing I can do about it. My compass is broken and I can not navigate through the stars. I feel like I am traveling down the river styx with the rest of the souls. They are grabbing at me pulling me in. It is no ones fault but my own.
I was on top of Mount Olympus having a great time with the gods and goddesses. I felt like a hero whose stories have been placed in the sky. But the goddess I love has cast me out.
"Why have you forsaken me Aphrodite?" I ask her and she answers in my dreams. "Because you are a fool. I gave you the greatest gift in respect to my lover and you act like a child. You took for granted what the gods have given you and now I must put you back into your mortal state."
I am my own worst enemy. I am nothing but an empty shell.
